


Touch

by det395



Series: Femslash [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, F/F, Friends With Benefits, Harassment, Modern Era, Sexual Content, Vomiting, you can message me for specifics!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-02-28
Packaged: 2019-11-07 05:07:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17954147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/det395/pseuds/det395
Summary: We get so tired and lonelyWe need a human touchDon't want to give ourselves away too muchTouch





	Touch

**Author's Note:**

> (and thanks to annie for reading over this but she only has personal social media so im not gonna link!)
> 
> i hope you all enjoy 🌈

Dann parked a little too far down the road. P can see the house, lights shining against the curtains with a few dark figures sitting on the front porch, probably passing darts around. Dann doesn’t move to get out so P leans back and checks her phone. She looks at the stories again, making note of who’s there, what they’re drinking, how crazy it really is.

The yellow light of the visor mirror is kind of nice. She can see Dann’s face now, while she pulls her skin tight and rubs at the side of her eyeliner, then looks at every angle to see the shine, coverage, whatever it is. P can’t really be bothered, nor can she find a pale enough foundation that doesn’t make her look like an 18th-century parliamentary clown.

Dann’s makeup is dark today. It’s weird that this is how casual friends always see Dann, how she’s the girl to never leave without a full face when P knows her best rose-y faced with dark bags and premature smiley wrinkles.

The dark makeup is cool too, even if P feels nervous to look her in the eye.

She expects Dann to drag her in at any second. Dann is good at parties and usually excited to go even if she’s ready to leave once the adrenaline settles. She just stares forward, looking a bit melancholic.

“Do you ever get nervous before parties?” P asks.

“These are your friends,” she says instead of answering. P feels thrown into the spotlight, her own nerves at the forefront.

“Still.”

Dann looks at her. Fond and sweet, contrasting her tone. “You’re just an anxious little hermit. That’s why you drag me. You know you don’t have to go to parties if you hate them.”

“I invite you because you like them.”

Dann shrugs. “They’re okay.”

“You always seem like you’re having fun.”

“Yeah.”

P watches her for a few moments. The silence is unceremonious. The few minutes before a party is when Dann is hyped up, rambling on to fill the silence and let P relax and just listen. It calms her nerves. It’s basically a ritual of theirs.

She stretches her arm back until she can feel the crinkly plastic bag. She pulls it to her lap and cracks open a cooler. Something sweet that always gives her a headache but at least it’s not beer.

Dann reaches into her lap for one too, turning fully on her seat and smirking at P.

“Sorry for stalling. Just thinking. Should I shotgun like in that movie your dad had? Is that what _‘merican’s_ do?”

“You’re stalling?”

Dann takes out her keys, stopping the radio instantly, and giggles. P watches in fascination.

“You’re going to make a mess.”

“It’s a good story,” Dann says. She hits the bottom of the can a couple of times before she gets enough strength to punch a hole. Bright pink liquid fizzes out and she quickly covers it with her lips. She looks up at P with a laugh in her eyes, sucking out the liquid.

“What do I do?” She mumbles.

“Open the cork and open your throat!” P says, staring wide-eyed at her. Dann does, almost immediately, gulping a couple of times before it comes out the side of her mouth and spills out the top.

“Dann!” P shrieks. She turns to the side, flinging open the door and leans out so it dribbles to the ground.

“I paid for these!” P says, but she’s laughing. Dann beckons to her and then thrusts the can at her face so she has no choice but to put her mouth on the hole before they ruin Dann’s shitty car. She tilts the can back and gulps slowly, trying to get the cold, sweet liquid down while Dann snort laughs next to her, still holding the can.

“Down it fresher!” Dann mocks in an exaggerated attempt at a Northern accent.

When it’s done, she throws it at Dann’s chest and Dann flings it out the door, yanking the handle back immediately.

They’re so loud P almost expect someone from the party to come check it out but the buzz of music sounds far away and their dim little car feels very protected. Dann is still laughing expressively, smiling at P like she’s having the best time. P gives her a wide-eyed gaze of disappointment but only to make Dann laugh more.

“This is the weirdest stalling trick I’ve ever seen and I don’t even know what you’re stalling for. No clue. Do you not wanna go to the party?” P asks. She’s a bit disappointed when Dann shakes her head.

“I just don’t know if I should wait ‘till I’m drunk or not to tell you.” She leans her head back and smiles at P.

“Now that you’ve told me this I need to know now.”

“Don’t rush me.”

“You’re torturing me. You’ve been acting weird.”

“I didn’t mean to. We all have weird days.”

P grabs her shoulder and shakes her, whining.

Damn looks a bit nervous but it’s hard to be sure with the smirk plastered on her face. There are other cues she’s learned. Patches of red on her skin instead of a blush. Deprecating comments and jokes. And sometimes, when it’s just them, her expression leaves no questions and neither do the tears. Right now she’s guarded and that’s the most nerve-wracking to see.

She breathes in, though, and talks quiet, feigning casualness.

“Fine, fine. I, uh, I think I’m bi. Or queer. I don’t know, I kind of hate labels, but that’s all.” She shrugs.

“Oh. Really?” P turns her body towards Dann, sitting up straighter.

“Yeah. Just...the way I’ve always looked at and thought of girls. I’m pretty sure. When you told me you liked girls, I started thinking about it more. And, yeah.”

“Oh. Wow.”

“You look surprised. That’s sweet. I’m pretty sure everyone in my life has thought I was a huge dyke at some point.” Dann is smiling lightheartedly but when P tilts her head and frowns, Dann looks a bit more genuine.

“Thanks for telling me,” P whispers. She feels a bit dizzy and it hits her that she hasn’t eaten for hours and she just might be feeling the half can of Smirnoff ice. She squeezes Dann’s hand and smiles.

“I wanted to tell you first. You’re still my best friend in Manchester. Sometimes it feels like you’re my only friend here. I know I have other friends and I get along with all of your friends, but sometimes I just want to hang out with you.” Dann looks suddenly vulnerable and she flips up the sun visor so they’re left in darkness.

“Yeah, me too, Dann. Sorry I’ve been busy.”

“You’re doing harder courses, I get it. I’ve been out hangin’ too. I’m glad you invited me tonight.”

“We don’t have to go if you don’t want.”

“I want to, it’ll be fun as fuck. It’s reading break, anyway, no excuses. I just wanted to tell you right away.”

“I get that. I haven’t seen you in a week and I feel like I have so much to tell you but it’s just IPA charts that have taken over my life.”

“Please save me the torture. Let’s go in,” Dann says, opening the door immediately. P doesn’t feel quite ready to leave the conversation, it feels way too rushed, but she grabs the bag and her drink and fumbles out of the seat belt to follow. She steps carefully on the patches of slush and pulls in her corduroy jacket. She only got it because Dann said it looked cool and now she’s freezing cold.

She’s pushing impatiently at Dann’s back when she stops to say hello at the front porch, looking casual in her dark jean jacket. P doesn’t even look at who’s there, desperate to get in the warm house.

She finally drops Dann’s jacket when they get in and kick off their shoes. It smells like weed and the smoky aura isn’t all that cool when she knows it’s just random dudes vaping. What is it with the chemistry kids and vaping? Her lungs are going to hurt from this second-hand smoke and it gets on her nerves. Dann always says her mum rubbed off too much on P.

She sees Bryony approach and her spirits lift immediately. She opens an arm for a hug and when she pulls back, Dann is gone. She spins on her heels looking in all directions until Bryony grabs her arm.

“You look like a lost puppy, where’s your second half?” Bryony smiles up at her.

“I don’t know, she was literally right there.”

“We can find her in a sec, come put your stuff down.”

She nods her head and waves around, walking through the living room, holding her bag from the liquor store at her chest. She recognizes mostly everyone here, from film classes and the media lounge and whatnot but there really is only one place she stays at parties. Her little group from that one project in introductory film studies at the back kitchen table with a pile of cards and chips between them.

“Oi, you a fucking art hippie now? What’s that jacket?” Jimmy asks when she approaches, smiling up wide and red-faced.

“Blame Dann, she made me get it. It’s kinda scratchy and doesn’t do shit in the cold. It’s a fraud jacket.”

“Where is Dann?”

“I lost her.” P shrugs, looking around some more while she sets down her bag and hears the cans fall against each other.

“P, I got a new game, Billionaire Banshee, you gotta play this,” she turns her head to PJ, nodding distractedly. She sits hesitantly. It’s not all that busy now but there are about eleven rooms in this house and the whole basement that it would be crazy to run around for Dann. She wouldn’t have run off if she didn’t want to. She settles back in the seat, lets herself get adjusted to the music and all the people around her, and grabs some cards.

-

Dann’s talking to a graduate student when P finally spots her. P’s never really talked to her but she knows she’s older and funny and has a dad doing a movie in Australia, or something. Dann’s flirting too, she keeps her feelings on her sleeves and right now her jacket is down at her elbows so her tits are out and she’s swaying a bit and grabbing the woman’s knee like she’s so interested.

Bryony has the decency to speak so quietly only P can hear. “Maybe Dann is a lil’ gay,” she says.

P shrugs to avoid answering. She’s not as worried as she usually is when it’s men that Dann is all over but she’s nervous nonetheless, and unsure where Dann got that bottle of Malibu on her lap. She can hear her voice carry across the room, too, yet another indication that she’s drunk a lot in the last hour. More than usual. She’s still observing them when Dann leans in and kisses her, right there on that corner couch.

PJ stares and Bryony pinches his ear until he yelps and turns to her.

“Don’t jizz in your pants, mate,” Bryony says. “Girls don’t want you to watch them, this isn’t a pervy teen movie.”

P keeps sipping at her drink so she doesn’t have to comment, even with Bryony making a face at her. She focuses on the game, barely hearing what everyone says.

She does think about how she invited Dann so they could hang out, not so Dann could disappear on her and make out with some lesbian.

She freezes when Dann stands up in her line of vision, smiling and swaying, and walks across the room a little too frantically.

“Lemme go check on her,” she says immediately, bumping the table as she stands.

She catches up to Dann halfway down the hallway and gets a smile and a foot on her toe.

“Ohh, hey. Phylis.”

“You bitch, you’re not allowed to call me that,” P jokes, following as Dann goes into the washroom. Dann looks mock offended for a second but then she puts a hand up, pauses, and falls to her knees in front of the toilet.

P is pulling back her curls from the side of her face instantly, forming the soft tangle into a messy bun at the bottom of her neck with the elastic on her arm. Dann retches and P reaches out a long leg to kick the door closed.

“I mixed,” she mumbles after a few moments. Dann shivers and P rubs her back, pulling up right behind her and pouting in pity.

“We should have eaten before. I’m quite drunk off of, like, three coolers.”

“Always a ligh’ weight, so cute.”

Dann spits into the toilet bowl and P thinks, if this was anyone else, this would be much grosser.

“Maybe we should stop going to parties. Just party ourselves.”

“Who would you have to make out with then?” P teases.

Dann looks back at her as if P is being suggestive.

“I didn’t mean that. I saw you with that grad student. She’s pretty.”

“She is. Amy. I didn’t vomit because of her, she was hot.”

“I was about to ask if she put her tongue too far down your throat or something.”

Dann laughs. “You’re nasty!”

“You’re nasty, vomiting up all your Malibu.”

“I stole that from some guy. Whoops,” Dann rests her head on the toilet and P quickly pulls her back, reaching over to flush.

“Tell me when you’re good,” P says, trying to get Dann’s jacket to stay up on her shoulders.

“I’m good. I’m good, jus’ a cleanse.” Dann begins to push herself up and P holds on to her arms.

“Rinse your mouth out. Maybe with some soap.”

“You rinse your mouth out,” Dann shoots back, but puts her head under the tap, drinking and spitting.

“Let’s raid the kitchen then think about bed, yeah?” P asks.

“Can you drive?”

“No, and I’m also drunk.”

“Fuck, I’m ready to be a hermit.” Dann hiccups as they walk out of the bathroom and back down the hall. She turns the corner and rips open both the fridge and freezer and steps back to look. P watches her for a second, laughing to herself.

“Oh, welcome to the restaurant! We have a buffet on, all you can eat, don’t worry, it’s not like this is our own food we use to survive!” Chris walks up behind them, holding a blunt and looking between them with that smile that never quite leaves his face.

“We’re going to starve to death,” P begs. “Just a pizza pop, c’mon man.”

“Aren’t you vegan?” He stares at Dann.

“Only when I’m not with P. She’s bad peer pressure.”

“So never, alright. Whatever, but only one each, fucking scoundrels.”

P microwaves their food on a little plastic plate and they shuffle down the stairs without anyone else calling them out. There are only a few shut doors and someone asleep on a couch so they crawl onto the oversized recliner chair, sitting close. P turns on the TV and searches through Netflix, looking for something a bit scary. Dann is making loud eating noises right in her ear, their elbows rubbing together and P can barely believe they’ve passed out in this chair so many times together. They first fought over it, then gave in to cuddling one night, and now it's way too normal to be up in each other's space like this. They barely fit, no wonder everyone makes fun of their inseparability. It feels very close when she’s only half as drunk.

Dann pulls the lever and P is flung back with her feet suddenly elevated. Dann just spreads out with a leg over P’s thighs. She throws a quilt sloppily over them and passes the plate to P.

She finds something cheesy only because Dann really does get genuinely scared. P doesn’t care at all as she shoves the food in her mouth like she hasn’t eaten for days.

She tosses the garbage down after a couple of minutes and Dann turns on her side, facing P with her knees pushing against her. The basement is dim and empty with a fireplace that probably hasn’t been lit for years, and a TV set up with mismatched furniture and an array of DVD players and game consoles. Sometimes they all come down and play but P would rather zone out right now, just stare at the flashing images on the screen, giggle at the bad acting.

“I thought maybe we’d have been the ones to hook up tonight,” Dann mumbles. P barely registers the words.

“What?”

“Since I came out.”

“Wait, why?”

“Well, you’re gay, too.”

“So?”

“I guess ‘cause we’re best friends.”

Dann looks a bit taken aback, staying quiet and furrowing her eyebrows. P rubs her palm on her jeans.

“You left as soon as we got in, I didn’t know where you went,” P says, slowly.

“I got nervous. I did just come out to you. But I thought you were going to come find me,” Dann says. She looks hurt.

“I...I was gonna,” P says, like she’s excusing herself.

Dann shrugs, looking towards the TV.

“I was a bit jealous when you kissed that girl,” P says. It doesn’t feel like a lie, but she doesn’t think she thought it before she said it, either. She’s grateful when Dann gives her a small, sweet smile.

“I really just wanted to kiss someone. Well, a girl.” Dann looks down at P’s lips and doesn’t bother looking away.

P feels a bit appalled by her freedom right now. Dann pushes off her jacket and leans back in her tank top to stare at P with an open expression.

“So you didn’t want to hook up with Amy?” P asks.

“Well, like. I just want to experience people. Explore and find myself. And I trust you, P. I dunno, you’re older and the nicest...I just thought—”

Dann stops and sighs. She shrugs her shoulders and raises her eyebrows, then leans in. She presses her lips to P’s.

P feels warmth pressed against her lips and her chest flips once thinking about who it is. She presses back so Dann doesn’t feel unreciprocated and Dann opens her lips.

Their lips move tentatively and slowly and P goes along with it, feeling Dann take control and suck at her top lip. She tastes pizza pops but it doesn’t bother her much just knowing who it is. She is a bit overwhelmed by her racing heart contrasting the cautious ease of their kiss. She can’t help but nip down on Dann’s bottom lip.

Dann seems to take it as some sort of sign, thankfully, and crawls on top of her with knees wobbly on either side of P’s thighs. The chair rocks ever so slightly under their movement. She keeps crawling forward until she’s laying on top of P. Her forearms press into P’s shoulders and she grabs her collar. P feels a bit suffocated but not in a bad way and just before Dann can pull back, she grabs her sides and keeps her there.

“You know I like this jacket but it’s too bloody restrictive,” Dann says in annoyance. She shoves the flaps to the sides and P distorts her arms behind herself so she can yank it off her shoulders. Dann presses in closer again, a tongue flicking in her mouth. It’s so intense so fast that P hears a noise escape her lips. In response, Dann moans into her mouth and kisses harder. She ruts down onto nothing and clenches her hands in P’s hair so P pushes a thigh up into her crotch.

Their movement is unrhythmic and P’s pretty sure it’s her fault but it doesn’t make it any worse. Dann keeps moving up to rub on her body and pull her hair. She rocks forward heavily and P feels her sense of gravity fall beneath her, a shocking whiplash backwards that makes her gut lurch.

Dann crashes heavily into her chest then rolls to the side, hitting the wall but already starting to laugh. P coughs out but laughs too, laying flat on the floor with the back of the chair beneath her.

“What the fuck,” P exclaims. Her breath is hard to catch but it feels good to laugh right now and a bit surreal that they fell backwards doing that.

Dann pushes to her feet swiftly and yanks P up by her arms. She sits up and scooches off the chair so Dann can push it back upright.

“Holy fuck, I can’t believe that just happened,” Dann laughs. “If anyone asks why we broke his chair, we just got fat with old age,” she jokes.

They hear movement down the stairs at that moment and P straightens up.

Bryony and PJ round the corner first. “Dann just flipped me back in the chair!” She says immediately.

They look up to her in surprise.

“Uhh, your fat ass pushed you back in the chair,” Dann says, punching P in the arm rather hard but then pulling her to her feet.

“Hey, no sexy acrobats on the chair or Chris is gonna kill you,” Jimmy says, following them with a bag of chips in his hand. P makes eye contact with Bryony and she gives a funny look as she walks by.

“ _The Babysitter_? How dare you watch such a classic film without us?” PJ exclaims, sounding sarcastic but finding a spot at the edge of the couch anyway.

“I’m down but only for Samara Weaving,” Bryony says.

Her friends are grabbing the remote to rewind and sitting in front of the TV so she slowly crawls back on the armchair. Dann follows and looks at her with a smile that looks like she’s trying not to laugh. Dann steadies herself on P’s thighs and turns around so P’s spooning her. She can feel her butt right against her and she finds that she’s quite excited to watch the entirety of this movie like this. She breathes in heavily to try and slow her heart.

-

She wakes up to Dan pushing off her thigh to slide off the recliner chair. She steps on the footstool and P is flung into a sitting position by the snap of the chair.

“My tongue is a fucking crusty desert, I feel like I haven’t drunk water in years,” Dann says. She walks in big steps over a few figures rolled up in thin blankets on the floor. P immediately recognizes the passed out, drooling faces.

P reclines the chair again and curls up as best she can, moving into Dann’s spot for warmth.

The memory is there like it only happened two seconds ago and she feels a little giddy. All these friends on the floor have no idea she had a hot makeout session with a hot girl last night and there’s a silly little pride within her. Not that she’s going to tell them, though.

She’s just about back in her peaceful slumber when she hears Bryony curse and then something knocks the recliner chair.

“That was my fucking leg!”

“Sorry, sorry! P, shove your fat arse over,” Dann climbs back on the chair, rocking it aggressively as she wraps behinds P’s curved back. She pinches P on the ass and she flinches, straightening up to get away. A cold water bottle is pressed against her bare arm and she flinches again, kicking Dann in the process. She groans in annoyance.

“You’re all grouchy bitches aren’t you, and I even brought you water to be nice.”

P does pause and take the water. She chugs it down and tries to sit comfortably in the small, cold chair. She meets Dann’s eyes and she immediately offers an amused gaze back. She squeezes her lips to keep a smile off her face.

“I need coffee or I’m going to die,” P says.

“Buy me one and I’ll drive us to Starbucks,” Dann says, giving a knowing look. P sits up completely.

“I call sleeping on the chair then,” Bryony pushes herself up. Her tangled blonde hair is flattened on one side and there’s a pink stain around her lips.

“Go ahead, it can murder your back, too.” P stretches out her back and feels a pop.

“You two looked so cozy, though,” Bryony says, looking between the two of them and collapsing back on the chair in place.

“Oh yeah, I slept like a baby,” Dann says, lifting her arms to stretch.

P says her goodbyes to the room and leans over to give Bryony a hug, but barely anyone else is even stirring. They sneak out without another interaction and walk down the road to the car, their feet crunching in an inch of fresh snow.

They must’ve been curled up all night. The last memories P has, before the end of the entertaining movie, was still of Dann pressed up to the front of her. It was of Dann laughing loudly and shaking against her. It was of her shoving a leg between P’s calves for heat. And it was of the warmth and the confidence in P’s chest, maybe even some cockiness at being the only one to have a girl to cuddle with. Her bravery was out, allowing her to wrap an arm around her soft stomach, even to run her fingertips across the skin a little. Thank God for the alcohol, she thinks, that kept her from having a heart attack.

She grabs the coffee and some extra treats at the Starbucks while Dann waits in the car. A cake pop and a banana loaf and a random vegan pastry she spots.

She’s not sure what she expected but Dann gets out of the car with her at the apartment without even asking to hang and walks up, nursing her coffee. They grab ibuprofen and collapse on their usual sides of the loveseat to watch whatever is on the cooking channel.

They fall into silence watching, which is objectively normal but there’s an itching of something not so normal in P’s brain. A bit of paranoia at Dann’s sobriety, impulsiveness and tendency to regret her actions. A bit of fear that awkwardness might inflict their friendship. She depends on them being able to pick up right off where they ended, to get along like its nothing, and she doesn’t feel like making out was just nothing. Not for them.

Dann begins to speak when a commercial comes on, when P is nearly zoned out, staring at happy model families laugh over vegetable juice.

“Have you slept with a girl before?” She asks.

“Uh. Yeah.”

“You’ve never dated a girl, though?”

“I’ve...been on dates with girls.”

“That aren’t cardboard cutouts?”

“Shut your face.”

“I’ll shut your mum.”

“That doesn’t even make sense.” P kicks her thigh.

“You wouldn’t understand, it’s about lesbian dating.”

“We all know you’re an innocent lil’ lesbian virgin.”

“I don’t know about innocent.” Dann shifts to her knees and faces P on the cushion and P falls silent at the more suggestive position.

“Oh, you remember our conversation last night, right?” Dann asks, sinking back a bit.

“Of course, yeah,” P reassures.

“Are you upset about it?”

“No? Of course not, it was totally fine.”

“Just fine?”

“Good. It was definitely good. It was great, really.”

Dann snorts. “Any more adjectives you wanna throw in there?”

“Extraordinary, revolutionary, amazing…”

“You calling this pussy revolutionary?”

P can’t help but laugh out of shock for Dann’s crudeness. “I wouldn’t say that...I have yet to try it.”

Dann lowers her voice and it feels like for a moment they’re out of their little back and forth and talking from the heart. “Do you still want to hook up?”

P feels the urge to make a witty joke but her brain comes up empty this time.

“Right now?” She asks. She sits up facing Dann.

“Oh, well if you’re so impatient,” Dann teases.

P shrugs, but she thinks about the entirety of last night, how the alcohol mixed with Dann gave her the biggest urge to get off with no relief. She still feels a bit like she’s in another world with an unyielding libido. She leans forward.

Dann leans away. “Well. We need to brush our teeth. You’re rank, no offence.”

“Ugh. Fine.”

“Oral hygiene is always the priority.” She jumps up and struts to the bathroom so P has to follow. It’s barely big enough but they cram over the sink and brush their teeth, smiling amusedly at each other in the mirror.

P spits then looks at herself in the mirror, at the pale skin and heavy lids and tangled hair. Her layers appear to be sticking straight up so she runs her fingers through harshly, trying to fix her part and mould her cowlick into the perfect height. She’s not all that bothered by Dann silently laughing at her. She stares in her own eyes and has a moment of nerves. It doesn’t help that she looks like a deer in the headlights right now.

She has a strong feeling that she just might lose all courage in 0.2 seconds and panic. Dann spits and wipes her face and straightens up in the corner of her eye. Once she turns slightly, P immediately leans in and finds her face with her lips. She pushes until they’re against the bathroom door and Dann kisses back, thankfully.

It’s all toothpaste that she tastes, probably some Dann didn’t get to wipe off of her mouth either, but P kisses it all away. Dann wraps her arms around P’s neck and giggles, leaning back with her hips out so P has to follow her, and she does. P pushes against her with her hips until they’re flat against the door and she doesn’t think they’ve ever been this smushed together.

Dann pushes them off the door then opens it her so they stumble through. P is grateful she’s the one that gets to walk forward, stepping on Dan’s toes, while they navigate to her bedroom. Dann stares at her, looking way too confident for P’s nerves.

Dann turns her at the last second and nudges her to lay down. She crawls on her hips and pushes up her shirt slowly.

“Well this is fun,” Dann says. She pushes the shirt up past her bra and then grabs her boobs, squeezing around like she’s just testing the waters. She nods appreciatively and P rests her hands under her head, hoping she looks casual.

“How have we not seen each other naked? How are we even best friends?” Dann says.

“You seem to have weird expectations for best friends,” P teases. Dann rolls her eyes but ignores P.

“Do you find it weird that we’ve only been friends since I came to Manchester? That was like, what, a year and a half ago?” Dann asks.

“It feels like it’s been a decade.”

“Yeah I’m so sick of you already,” Dann says. P glares at her but Dann moves her gaze down and lifts P’s bra up towards her neck. She runs her palms over P’s nipples and then her fingertips and then she leans forward and kisses one. She puts her mouth over P and licks into the dip on her nipple and P can’t help but squirm rather violently, freeing her hands to grab Dann’s hair. She only drags her tongue further and P gasps and twitches at the feeling, a bit overwhelmed. She tightens her hand in Dann’s hair a bit too roughly.

Dann’s head lifts up slowly. “Are you okay with this, for real?” Her voice is soft.

P lifts her head in a half nod but pauses.

“A little anxious.” She whispers. “Just fast.”

Dann looks at her understandingly, but maybe a bit pitiful. P looks away.

“I’m sorry. I was a bit forward, huh?” Dann laughs softly and pulls down P’s shirt. Her face burns red, P notices.

“It’s not like...I don’t know, just a wave of nerves. Not you.”

“Maybe you don’t like just hookups?”

“I’ve had lots of hookups.” P furrows her eyebrows.

“Well _sorry_ , Casanova. I’m just saying, you’ve always been the kind of person to want to know someone well before getting close. I always thought sex might be the same with you.”

“Are you saying I’m nervous because I don’t know you?” P looks up in amusement. Dann settles herself down, sitting on her lower stomach.

“I mean, like, we’re not going out.”

“I know.” P huffs out a breath, shifting under the weight that’s just slightly painful on her stomach.

Dann reaches out her hands to P’s shoulders. She rubs her fingers into her muscles, circling her thumbs just below her collarbone. She relaxes as Dann’s fingers move closer to the back of her neck.

“You’re so tense all the time.” Dann tilts her head, staring at P.

“And you’re not? You’re stressed all the time.”

“Why are you annoyed at me?” Dann pauses her fingers.

“I’m not.”

Dann tilts her head again, exasperated. A condescending smirk still on her face.

“You just don’t have to treat me like a child. I’m older than you.”

“Well, I’m not going to treat you like my senpai or my wise ol’ elder or whatever the fuck.”

“I didn’t say that, I just don’t need pity for being so socially anxious.”

“I’m socially anxious, too, that’s why I care so much.”

“Enough people treat me like a child to know its not just that.”

Dann opens her mouth but then clenches her teeth.

“Fuck, sorry sorry, I gotta stop being a dud. I know. I think I just feel protective sometimes,” Dann says.

“I’m okay with random sex. I think usually it’s just like...I don’t know, my first time was with a friend when we were drinking. Otherwise, I went home with people or like...talked online. I guess most I talked to online first. There was always the thought that it was just sex and I never needed to talk to them again. I’m hoping to talk to you again after.” P smiles lighthearted. Dann moves her hands and massages into her biceps, moving down her arms and rolling her fingers.

“I can’t say I wanted to bang then sneak out your window either,” Dann jokes.

“I don’t want it to be awkward.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever feel awkward with you.”

“Well, it’s like the pressure too. And lesbian sex is confusing if neither of us takes control. Like, if you were a guy I feel like it’d be more simple, like come here and stick it in me and voila! But with a bunch of vaginas it’s like, you want me to do you? You do me? With what now? I got a cucumber in the fridge?”

Dann snorts through her laughter, just as she’d hoped. She shakes against P’s lower stomach and P smiles up.

“Shut up, okay okay. I was wondering that, too. I might have been faking some confidence if I’m being honest. I thought eating pussy was like, the main thing, though.”

“I don’t know...like why’s there gotta be a main thing?”

“I’m ignorant, huh?” Dann slumps back, frowning.

“You want to know the ultimate secret to lesbian sex?”

Dann rolls her eyes.

“It’s not cunnilingus, we just do witchcraft.”

Dann holds in a smile, feigning exasperation. “Buffy the Vampire Slayer was true representation then, huh? That’s why you love it?”

“Uh huh.”

Dann picks up P’s hand and cracks each finger. P cringes but doesn’t feel like stopping her right now. It feels kind of nice to have warm fingers on her. She trusts those hands, even as they pop her joints.

“I don’t want to be the inexperienced one. I got all this advice before I did stuff with a guy, didn’t even tell Evan I was a virgin. I kind of just want to know what it’s like with a girl, but it’s...taboo? Maybe that’s it? I don’t know, I’m just rambling.”

P frowns, pulling her hands away gently.

“You just do what feels nice. There are no rules. You don’t need me to experiment, you should just sleep with who you want.” She doesn’t try particularly hard to keep the bitterness out of her tone. Dann starts shaking her head.

“I didn’t mean it like—I mean, you’re not just….” Dann furrows her eyebrows. “Fuck, I feel incoherent. It’s so much more, my confusion for my identity, being sexually frustrated all the time. Wanting to have fun, and like, I don’t know, you’re hot.”

“I’m not used to you being so inarticulate.”

“Shut it, I haven’t had time to get my thoughts in order. I just want to be more free in life and have sex, I don’t know, it’s one of the things that makes me happy. But it’s not like you’re just a pawn or a body, as if I would do that to _you_. It’s also...because you are you. I just went for it because I wanted to, no more holding back from what I want.”

The blush on Dann’s face makes her feel more confident. Dann admitted to faking confidence, really they’re both full of nervous excitement, though maybe mostly nerves, P thinks. She looks up at the ceiling and smiles, finally relaxing a bit.

“Say something so I’m not the only stuttering mess.”

“So like, what do you want? If you could have anything from me?”

“I don’t want expectations right now, I guess. I gotta find myself.”

“Friends with benefits?”

Dann shrugs. “Yeah, pretty much.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Okay?”

“We should bang.”

“Oh. Yeah, okay.”

“How about you set the pace. Whatever. We’ll see what kind of physical chemistry we got,” she wiggles her torso underneath Dann.

“You’re kind of annoying, you know that, right?” She smiles and drops her full weight down to stop P from moving.

“Ow. You are, biatch.” She slaps Dann’s thigh and Dann grabs her wrist, leaning in playfully, laughing.

She reaches out to tickle Dann’s neck, the only place she can ever get a reaction from, and she’s not sure if Dann misinterprets it or just ignores her but a mouth is on her mouth suddenly, and Dann's whole body is dropped on her chest.

She kisses loosely, less controlled, so P can actually lick and suck at her lip back. She’s not sure if she’s trying to be a bit silly and gross but it also does something to her stomach to feel her full lip against her. Dann presses her wrists down.

“So annoying,” Dann whispers.

They keep kissing for what feels like forever, her lips are starting to go numb. Once one of her wrists is finally let go, Dann’s hand is snaking down to press her palm on her crotch. This is different. Now that she’s less nervous, it feels so wholly satisfying. She squeezes her eyes shut and thinks of all that she can feel of Dann right here on top of her, the tight black jeans and her tank top and her messy hair and it’s more than enough to make her turned on right now. She has half a mind to whine when Dann stops for a moment.

“Tell me if this isn’t okay, at any moment, okay P?”

“I will.”

A couple of minutes pass and she thinks Dann could definitely make her come like this. Her hand is a bit too hard and hits her on every upstroke but the things she does with her mouth and the general feeling of her on top is enough. Then it stops, and P vocally whines.

Dann smirks at her then scans her eyes downwards. “Don’t pout at me like that, just wondering if you want to take off your clothes?”

P does it quickly, pulling off her t-shirt and reaching around to her bra strap. She shoves off her jeans, re-adjusting her underwear before Dann sees her whole ass right away. Dann undoes her fly so she shimmies out of her pants as best she can.

“I need to get comfy too, I can’t believe I slept in these fucking jeans,” Dann says, prying off the denim around her calves. P is more than a little enamoured by the black lace of her panties. Her thighs are all out now, paler than the rest of her up to a peek of the flatness on her hip. Dann straddles back on P’s thighs and sits to show off the wideness of her hips and her thighs and P feels her mouth go a little dry.

Dann rakes her nails up and down P’s body, her eyes following. P lifts up every time she gets to her boobs, hoping for some attention there now. Dann’s pupils are wide and black.

“You really are a vampire, you’re so white,” Dann says. P covers her arms over her chest and Dann quickly moves them out of the way.

“A hot vampire, don’t worry,” she smiles and leans her mouth down to her nipple yet again, groping her chest while she does. She eventually moves a hand back down to P’s crotch, moving her hand tentatively, probably feeling the cool wetness on P’s underwear. P reaches her own hand down and presses Dann’s fingers against her clitoris, moving until Dann can feel for herself.

She’s diligent, rubbing the spot P showed her and kissing along P’s boobs in the way that makes her feel weak and twitchy. She looks down and can’t believe this is Dann here. The girl who sat next to her in that philosophy elective she did for an easy grade, who seemed so unsure of everything she was doing and texted P constantly for the first few weeks of school, who carried over a suitcase of laundry because she was so sick of the laundromat. The one who she stayed up late with countless times, calming her down over assignments she procrastinated. Now rubbing her clit and sucking on her boobs.

She reaches down where she can actually touch Dann in this position, the soft pudge at the small of her back, where she can just reach the end of her tank top to pull up, and her hair with curls that she can wind her fingers into. She moves her hands down a bit more and strokes along the soft skin of her cheekbones, peering down with a sudden fondness. Dann looks up at her with hooded lids and lifts her body until they’re face to face, with a hand still rhythmic on her crotch.

P reaches down and grabs Dann’s ass, the soft cotton and the warm skin together in her fanned out hands.

“Oh, hello,” Dann snorts.

“Hi,” P returns, smiling. “Oh,” she lets out a noise of surprise when Dann’s fingers slip under her underwear, suddenly directly rubbing the sensitive skin. She moves around easily in the wetness. P is almost embarrassed by how wet it is, then it multiplies when Dann pulls out her fingers completely and puts it in her mouth, tasting P.

Her mouth drops open, watching Dann’s thick lips around her two fingers. She drops her hand and stares at P, looking satisfied. Probably at how shocked P looks.

“So? Raspberries? Chocolate? Creme brulee? How does it taste?” P tries to joke but her voice is a bit more than hoarse right now.

“Like lucky charms.” Dann winks and moves P’s body to rest in between her legs. She leans her head on P’s thigh and looks up. “Tips? Lesbian senpai?”

“You don’t have to.”

“I want to try.”

“Uhh,” P stammers. She thinks Dann could do anything to her and she’d be happy.

Before she answers, Dann slowly pulls down her underwear, peeking up at P’s face. She’s slightly embarrassed at the unshaved, curly hair all the way up her pelvis, but Dann doesn’t look put off. She spreads the hair with her hands and runs a finger down the skin, presses on the edge of her hole.

“I like a flattened tongue, sometimes, and not too hard or direct, but consistent.” P stares at the ceiling. She knows she’s Dann’s first in this activity. How does she look and taste to her?

There’s warmth on her vulva and she could sigh out at the feeling. Dann does exactly what she said, her tongue big and encompassing.

Hands roam her hips and under her ass and up to her boobs and it feels really nice, like she’s sexy and wanted with her pear-shaped, lanky body and all. She’s not sure what she likes more, staring down at Dann, so immersed and concentrated, or closing her eyes and imagining even more from Dann that is moulded purely from imagination. A really active imagination, apparently.

She’s pretty sure minutes pass and she’s being fully indulgent, with an itching urge to come but also a selfish desire to stay in this middle ground of feeling good for an hour. Dann is breathing heavily through her nose and it’s way too hot for such a thing.

“You don’t have to keep going...if you’re tired,” P makes herself say. Dann lifts her head and her chin and lips are visibly wet and her cheeks are flushed and patchy. Her hair and makeup are messy and it’s unfairly sexy. She can also see down Dann’s shirt as she leans up on her elbows and P wonders if it’s okay to fully objectify her best friend like this. It might be a question to ponder after this whole experience, she thinks, staring past to her long, bare legs stretched out on the bed.

“I think I could do this for hours, and I kind of want to,” Dann says, smiling wide with her teeth.

“Really?”

“I fucking love it, P. Might be a weird oral fixation thing but eating you out is fun. Feeling you move.”

“I’m a lucky girl, then.”

Dann stares at P and sticks out her tongue, lowering her head to lick from hole to clitoris, making eye contact the whole time. P holds her breath and lets her head fall back, the urge to groan strong.

“Actually...can I use a vibrator and you get on top of me and make out with me?” P says. Dann smiles up excitedly.

She jumps out of bed, running and spreading open a discrete plastic bag in the corner of the wardrobe.

“Pick a colour. Blue or black,” P says.

“You got options?”

“I have lots of goodies.” P looks back and Dann’s eyes raise to her face from her backside. Dann really is attracted to her, she realizes.

“Black.”

“Predictable,” P says but grabs the smooth shaft of silicone anyway.

“You should show me the rest of your toys sometime,” Dann says, laying back.

“Oh, just show you?”

Dan lets out a breathy laugh, laying back on the bed. P crawls over her thighs, moving forward to line up their crotches. She puts the vibrator between them and presses the button. Dann’s eyes flutter shut and her mouth falls open. She pulls P closer by her thighs.

P stares down at Dann’s body. She really is soft and feminine, with fat lining her stomach that she can’t even imagine anyone could dislike. Her collarbones are the only boney part, sticking out prominently with her shoulders rolled back. Her shoulders are thin but her arms are strong looking, long with nice big hands. There’s some acne on her chest, right where she gets it on her own chest between her boobs where the sweat runs down.

Dann has nice boobs. She seems to know she does, if her outfits are any indication. She’s well endowed with skin that isn’t blotchy like P’s, but looks smooth and soft.

She reaches out and cups her hands over her shirt, with the sudden realization that she probably can touch Dann’s boobs in this situation. Dann presses up into her and she’s not sure how a soft lump of flesh can feel so nice but it does, especially with the vibrations perfectly against her crotch, it makes her mouth dry and gives a funny feeling in her gut and she wants to see and feel more.

She frowns slightly, though, while Dann’s eyes are still closed, and she feels herself fizzle ever so slightly. She feels shallow. Like an objectifying, degrading person—like a man, really, and she can’t bring herself to fight the problematic generalization in her head because it feels true enough. This shouldn’t feel so primal and dirty, all bodies and sexual acts when she’s on top of a woman she’s almost obsessively fond over, who she’d probably murder for, who she secretly fantasizes about living with and growing old with, who feels like her better half on a good day.

That must count for something, though. She likes this body but she’s overwhelmingly excited because it’s her best friend here, getting herself off beneath her. Which might be a question to ponder another day. Dann had said friends with benefits, that’s all, they’re still just best friends, really. This isn’t a loving passion-fest, it can be just sex.

Dann’s eyes pop open and P is already staring at her.

“You wanted me on top of you, huh?” Dann says. P just looks at her in return and Dann sits up and pushes P backwards, making her shriek. She pushes forward between P’s legs to hover over her, then grabs the vibrator and holds it against P’s crotch.

“Your head is too loud, try to relax, I want you to come,” Dann says.

“Make me then,” P says. It slips out so naturally, like all their banter. Was that always so flirtatious when she said it?

“I’m trying, baby.”

P’s head swims momentarily, and she thinks too many thoughts are running through. “Make out with me,” she says.

Dann does. With more tongue and teeth than she has before, and it wipes P’s brain out completely, overwhelms her with the taste and intensity, especially with the warm weight on top of her now.

She takes the vibrator and holds it against herself and it’s so much more intense than fingers and a tongue, all her nerves are on fire. She feels like it might take another two seconds to finish but that feeling seems to drag out for minutes.

She lets herself grope Dann, grabbing at any skin and fat until Dann leans to the side and wrestles her shirt off. Of course she’s wearing an expensive-looking black bra to match her underwear, P thinks.

It’s kind of unbelievable how turned on she is by Dann right now, her legs shake and she feels Dann kiss her hard despite the inability for P to multitask and focus on that. She feels herself push over the edge and squeezes Dann closer, not even sure where she’s holding her as she trembles and closes her eyes to feel it all. Like waves through her body.

Her body relaxes after, still tingling with pleasure, and her limbs feeling a bit like noodles. Dann settles down heavy on her and smiles at her, looking smug and proud.

“You’re quiet when you come. You should try and belt it out sometime. Except it is hot, you trembling and squeezing your eyes shut like you’re about to explode,” Dann comments.

“I thought I was going to.”

“Yeah? Good?”

“Extremely, wow.”

“I have that effect on the ladies, I guess.”

“By ladies, you just mean me, though, huh?”

“Shh.”

Dann sets her head down above P’s shoulder. P closes her eyes, loving the warmth and the closeness, and lets herself sink into her tiredness. She’s not going to move until Dann does, she decides, and she kind of hope Dann never moves.

She vaguely remembers the start of their friendship, when she had been hopeful of Dann’s sexuality, just for the first little while. It was all the leather jackets and oversized boyish band shirts and weird shoes. She snuck in conversations about any show with lesbians she knew of, talking about Buffy and Skins and she was always familiar. There was also that obvious girl crush on Janelle Monae, that had to mean something.

It’s not so cringe-worthy now to think about all the times she got up in Dann’s space, grabbing her hair and pinching her waist and scratching her—innocently. It’s maybe a little embarrassing to think about the texts she spammed Dann with, but it all seemed to make them closer, with the reputation of being literally attached at the hip.

Then Dann got a boyfriend. Just for a few months. And she hooked up with some boys after that, ending up somewhere else at a party while P sat at the kitchen table. P focused on her schoolwork, and every few weeks they’d reconnect and hang out for days straight, then get busy and drift off a bit. But they always picked up just where they left off, even if P watched where her hands were grabbing at more.

It was a day at school when some kid hit on P and Dann wiggled her eyebrows that she dragged her into a bathroom and came out. She had almost hoped it was obvious before, and Dann seemed to have some sort of recognition, but there was still the widening of her eyes. Dann was distracted by her own assumptions most of the time, she supposes.

Maybe the first few interactions weren’t so crazy. But she’s not so sure about Dann’s monogamy now. Her mind floats through the different times they spent together, along with a wave of exhaustion that she doesn’t try to fight.

-

When she wakes, Dann is rolled over and sleeping next to her. P’s leg is at a weird angle and laid over her hip for some reason, and she gently brings it back and rolls over to a cool part of her sheets.

She feels like she’s just sobered up, woken from a crazy night she can barely remember. Except it was 10 when they hooked up and now her phone says it’s just early afternoon.

Bryony has texted her, too, from hours ago. Her stomach drops slightly when she reads it. _amy keeps texting me abt dann. all you lesbians can’t get enough of her, huh? lmao._ She feels too tired to think about that right now. She throws the iPhone on its front.

A rumbling sound comes from her stomach and the reminder of eating brings a rush of cravings to her mind. There’s a Dominoes in the area that delivers, Chinese takeaway down the street, that place with the good Naan bread….

She rolls over and pokes Dann, then pulls the covers up over her bare chest as Dann looks back.

“I’m hungry.”

“Y’ want to eat my pussy now?” She squints at P with eyes swollen from sleep.

P feels her eyes widen and she’s speechless for a minute, no form of coherent communication coming to her head.

“Kidding, it’s just fun to be crude to you sometimes. Yeah, okay, another necessity we have to worry about.” She smiles amusedly and squeezes her eyes shut at the light.

“I never got you off! I can’t believe I just passed out like that.”

“It’s honestly a compliment if I really got your mind away from worrying about everything else around you. Though that is the most man thing ever, just roll over and sleep.”

“Are you horny? Do you want to?”

“I promise, it’s okay, P. My hunger is the predominant primitive urge I’m having right now, actually. Please follow through with your food offer first.”

“Yes. Uhh, are you good to splurge on some takeaway?” P feels around with her foot for her clothes somewhere in the covers.

“Where else would I spent my student loans for the semester?”

P gives her an amused look but doesn’t bother scolding Dann’s spending habits, not when she would be devastated to settle for groceries right now.

“Also, where are all my clothes?”

“I probably threw them into the void.”

“I guess I should wear something else,” she glances at her wardrobe. “Close your eyes.”

“Really? Even after….”

“Yes! It’s easier to be confident when you’re getting it on but now I’m just sleepy and hungry and self-conscious.”

“No reason to be, believe me.”

P shrugs.

“Can I peek?” Dann asks.

“Only if I don’t notice.” P smiles and Dann places her fingers over her eyes with a small grin.

She jumps up and grabs some underwear first thing. She grabs the first plaid shirt in her closet and sweats and throws them on without a bra. She walks over to her tall mirror and tries to fix her hair. It’s still as straight as always but it’s going in all crazy directions, again. She wipes the black from beneath her eyes.

She turns and Dann is tapping on her phone but looks up at her movement.

“Chinese?” P asks.

Dann leans back and lets out a dramatic moan, putting a hand on her chest and nodding.

“Let's get food, then I’m going to get you back.”

“I’m a spoiled princess,” Dann says, smiling up at her.

-

The little shop is filled with university kids, she’s pretty sure. She definitely sees some sport team sweatshirts. This is what she gets for finding a shitty apartment right next to the university.

She suddenly wishes she wore a bra or at least a thicker shirt over. Her apathy for her appearance goes too far sometimes and ends in embarrassment. She slows but Dann goes straight ahead to the food, looking way too put together for their morning. A couple of guys around the buffet set up look over at her.

“Hey, y’ guys go to Man, too? We just came from that rager at Garver hall, now that was a time,” the guy closest to them laughs and looks back at his two friends. Dann glances back at P.

“Can’t say I heard about that one,” Dann says.

“No way! Shit was crazy.”

“Cool, mate.”

“What’s your majors?”

“Chemistry,” Dann says, a lie. P smiles, focusing her attention on scooping chow mein into her takeout dish.

“Oh yeah, yeah, y’know I think I’ve seen you in the chem lounge, right mates? You there lots?”

“All the time, mate,” Dann walks past him to the food he’s standing in front of.

Another guy begins talking and P knows she’s finished with her social avoidance. “You’re a quiet bird, huh? What’s your name?” He points at her.

“Danielle,” she says, without thinking of it. She catches the smile on Dann’s face.

“And I’m Phylis,” Dann chirps up.

“Nice to meet you, ladies. If you want some real fun I can get you into a party going on tonight at res that’s only for grads, hey?” P stares at Dann, feeling a sense of dread wash through.

“Hmm, we got plans,” Dann says. P walks up next to her and leans into Dann’s arm before smiling tightly at the man.

“Does it measure up to our plans, though? I can promise you, best bloody night of your young lives. And the quiet ones are always secretly crazy on the inside, hey? I can only imagine.” He puts an arm on P’s shoulder.

“You can have fun imagining us there, ‘cause it’s not gonna happen.” Dann grabs P’s hand and pulls her down the line of food. She stares longingly at some dumplings she didn’t grab but she’s grateful to have his hand off of her. She doesn’t pull her hand out of Dann’s but she does avoid looking at the guys with all she’s got.

“Oh c’mon, there’ll be no disrespect, though Matt ‘ere migh’ try to go between you.” A couple of them chortle.

Dann freezes and squeezes P’s hand. P loosens her fingers to drop hold but Dann doesn’t. She stares intensely at her food, not quite sure how to react when her instinct is to run out of the shop.

“You can keep wanking to your lesbian porn and pretend it’ll happen to you one day,” Dann snaps.

“Oi, you’re all so sensitive, I’m just jokin’. So what d’you guys say?”

P speaks immediately. “The answers still no.”

“Whatever, I’m not trying to pressure you.”

They grab food quietly and quickly, trying to hide their franticness. The men are quiet and grumbly, ignoring them now. P’s fingers shake and she tries to hide it with her body so none of them can see. She thinks she’s missed some food she wanted but when Dann stomps off to the cashier, she follows.

She grabs some fortune cookies for them and runs out into the street after Dann. Dann begins mumbling immediately.

“Fucking entitled bitches, thinking anyone would just love to hang out with some douche-y chavs, saying whatever the fuck they want as if there are no consequences and like a lesbian would want to give them the time of day—and then call me sensitive! I was nice to them, too bloody nice, but that fucker—”

P slides her hand into Dann’s hand and her mouth stops moving, to her surprise. They walk down the street in silence for a minute. Dann squeezes her hand hard enough to stop the shaking.

Dann finally speaks. “I know you hate confrontation, and I’m sorry...I know it makes you anxious, I shouldn’t—”

“It was not your fault in any manner, Dann, shut up.”

“I’m used to pretending to date someone to get guys off my back but that...with you...had the opposite effect. It’s bullshit.”

“I know.”

“I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks, I’ll be holding girls hands in public and kissing them and I don’t care who sees. You know I’m not an angry person but I’m not going to sit by at some fucker who’s not even worth rational thought.”

P’s not sure what to reply so she stays silent. It probably isn’t nice to be fixated on Dann saying _girls_ and not the issue that is really the priority right now. The main thing on her mind shouldn’t be the sudden realization that they really are just friends with benefits when she almost definitely has feelings for her best friend. They got harassed for something that isn’t even real.

She hasn’t got much of an appetite anymore. The anxiety seems to constrict her throat, there’s no way she could say something brave and direct right now. She slowly drops Dann’s hand.

Dann rants until they’re up at the apartment. She keeps walking in but then something grabs the back of her shirt.

She pauses and then she’s hugged from behind, arms pressing against her chest and a face right next to hers.

“Are you okay?” Dann asks.

“Yeah. Guys like that are a bummer but I’ll get over it.”

“And all I really want to do is stay here with just you.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“ _We’re_ okay, too, right, P?”

She grabs Dann’s forearm and rubs the skin affectionately.

“We’ll never not be okay.”

“Good, ‘cause I need you. And I don’t care what we are.”

She doesn’t ask for clarification. Not right now. “Me too.”

-

Her mum once told her if she kept in all her thoughts, they would start flying around in her head like bugs and she’d hear a little buzzing sound in her ears. It still scares her to think about today. When Dann pushes herself up and starts a shower, she wastes no time in calling Bryony and walking out to the hallway so Dann doesn’t hear her through the thin walls. She paces awkwardly in her socks while it rings.

“Who do you think you are calling me on the day Loona’s video is out?”

“Oh, I’m sorry! I have gayer news, though.”

“Doubtful.”

P laughs at her then quiets. She hasn’t really thought of what to say, only has the inkling that she needs to talk.

“Well?”

“You’re not allowed to tell _anyone_ , I’m serious, our friendship will be off.”

“Who am I gonna tell? You think I’m gonna post it on Twitter or something?”

“I know, I know, just—it’s a lot.”

“Just tell me, you’re killing me.”

“I hooked up with Dann.”

There’s silence. Then a shriek, that merges into a laugh. “My God, well I’m not _really_ surprised, but like, I’m still surprised.”

“Really?”

“How long has this been going on?”

“...Just this morning.”

“Oh honey, it took you guys that long?”

“It all happened very fast I’ll have you know!”

“Give me details.”

P shrugs, despite Bryony not being able to see. “We kissed last night and talked about it. And today...a bit more. I don’t know, I’m a bit worried Dann just wants to experiment, but she also just seems to want to be free or whatever, like experience...the experience. Have fun I guess, you know how she is with trying to find what makes her happy.”

The line is dead silent for a few long moments.

“Hello?” P says.

“You’re not dating now?”

P frowns. “That’s kind of why I wanted to call. She doesn’t want to settle down, I don’t think. I guess she’s been like that since it ended with Evan.”

“Do you?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, you just might have to be patient. We’re all young as hell, anyway.”

“I don’t want to lie to her and use her.”

“Then don’t. She will understand.”

“These guys were assholes at the shop earlier and I know I shouldn’t give them the time of day but it gives me this bad feeling in my gut and I feel like everything I’m doing is, like, _icky_. And she keeps reminding me we’re just friends.”

“Oh, Phyl. Well, you’re friends even if you’re more than that, too, you know? She probably doesn’t want to lose that. And fuck those guys, you’re not doing anything wrong.”

“I’m scared all that I’m hoping for is too good to be true.”

“If I could give any advice, it’s to just go with it. And you suck at that. You don’t always need a plan, just enjoy it and don’t overthink that.”

P scoffs. “Like it’s that easy.”

“I get it. I do. But this is Dann. Either talk about your feelings or relax and enjoy what’s happening.”

“I will. I can’t say which one yet, though.”

“Amy texted me, also. She’s texted Dann a bit. I guess I should tell you.”

“Oh.”

“Should I tell her Dann has crabs?”

That makes P laugh, loud and snorty, so she covers her mouth until she calms. “No, I want her to choose me if she ever does.”

“I think she’s already chosen you. She’s pissed on you and made you her property.”

“That’s romantic.”

“It’s appropriate for your guys’ weird obsessions with furries.”

P lets out a loud _shh_.

“If you’re feeling shitty, don’t be an idiot. Talk to her, or talk to me and I’ll yell at you to talk to her.”

“Thanks, Bry. I should go, she doesn’t stay long in the shower.”

“You better hop on in there before it’s too late.”

“Shut up! I’m hanging up now.”

“Bye, P.”

-

  
The takeout containers are still empty on the coffee table. A random episode in the fourth season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer plays in front of them. Dann’s hair is as curly as she ever sees it, in ringlets that fall like locks of fluff over the comfiest sweater she found in P’s wardrobe. P’s fidgety hands have finally calmed and she’s feeling more confident than she has all day.

The sun has gone down by the time P gives into her instincts and crawls on Dann's lap.

Dann’s phone lit up with Amy’s name too many times to count. It irks her that Dann is ignoring this show they’ve already rewatched countless times, but she doesn’t think she's jealous. Her feelings don’t always make sense to her but right now, she feels so comforted by how strong she and Dann are. She doesn’t know how she can so easily forget how they just work together, click and understand each other all the time, how they can spend days together and still be sad to leave, how they’ve showed their most vulnerable sides and are pretty much partners through everything. There’s that constancy that no one can get in the way of, and right now, she doesn’t feel like they need to exchange words.

She can’t seem to help herself from crawling onto Dann. She can smell her and feel her warmth and she just needs to be close right now. She has every intention to keep her promise of earlier and make Dann feel good.

“Oh, you want some of this now?” Dann teases, running her hands up P’s back. P just smiles at her.

They’re just kissing. She sits on Dann’s thighs and tastes her. After the experience earlier, she’s not surprised that Dann is trying to take control, kissing her how she wants and holding her face still, but P fights it, slows her own movements. Dann groans at her.

This is something she could easily get addicted to. Her mind has never cleared up quite like this before, with good thoughts flowing in at such a rate. She feels good about her body and likes it when Dann’s big hands move down to grab her butt. She likes all these feelings and truly feels like she might never want to stop.

After a few long minutes, hands grab P’s crotch and she catches them to stop it, shaking her head against Dann. She gives up instantly and let's go. P takes advantage of her falter and grabs Dann’s own face in her hands, tilting her head back on the cushion so she has leverage and Dann’s neck is exposed. It makes it feel like she has power. She looms over her and kisses passionately, kind of curious about how Dann will react.

This is how she wants it right now, she realizes. She’s not sure if its appropriate for friends with benefits. She doesn’t know anything about that, really, but she knows who they are together. She wants to stroke Dann’s cheeks and lean close so she does.

She thinks about ignoring Dann and acting petty and it just makes her want to be affectionate to make up for the pretend guilt. Dann is the person she feels she waited years for. If she wants to text another woman, P will just try to show her how she feels first.

“Want to lay down? Get cozy?” P whispers. Dann slowly falls to the side and lays with her feet hanging over the armrest. P pushes her legs apart and settles with one thigh between Dan’s.

She kisses Dann’s neck for the first time and that’s when Dann grinds upwards. She kisses down from her jaw and up to her ear and a shiver runs through Dann’s body. She keeps doing it until her neck is damp and then she pushes her hands up Dann’s sweater to run her nails along her sides, remembering she hasn’t cut them in a while. She likes the feeling of Dann thrusting up every few moments to no help, until P finally does press down and Dann’s relief is apparent.

She glides her thigh up and down for a few minutes, hearing Dann’s breath become more and more laboured until it’s fast enough to be signalling a change in pace. She slows and lifts up.

“Mm. Are you just going to tease me, then?” Dann asks, lifting her hips.

“Maybe for a few hours.” P relaxes her body down and focuses on running her fingertips and her nails from Dann’s shoulders to her thighs, and up again, liking how Dann squirms.

“Well, okay.”

P has never had a hookup like this before. Maybe she should be embarrassed but when she looks up, Dann is looking at her like something else.

Her makeup-less lashes are still so thick and long and she swears Dann’s eyes sparkle beneath her hooded lids. They’re doe-like and kind. Her lip stays pouted and turned down but in a peaceful way rather than sad. For once, there are no smile lines or wrinkles, her skin is smooth aside from the dry skin on her lips.

P wiggles until her thigh is hard against Dann’s crotch again and she hopes it feels good. Dann hooks one leg around hers and tightens her grip.

“Can I stay over tonight?” Dann whispers, even though there’s no one else around.

“You can stay all break if you want.”

A smile spreads on her face and her cheek compresses into her dimple. She looks back and forth at P’s eyes.

P kisses her carefully and slowly. She’s not sure how they’ve resorted to kissing at turtle speed but she takes the opportunity to gently kiss Dann’s upper lip that curls over slightly, then her soft bottom lip, then the little red patch that’s probably on her cheek, then finally her dimple, which makes her laugh softly. Dann breathes in and out heavily but lets it happen.

“Are you frustrated? Do you want to get off?” P asks.

“No,” Dann breathes out. “Just don’t stop doing...this. Keep doing this with me. Kiss me like that again.”

“Okay.”

Instead, she moves down to the base of Dann’s throat, kissing slowly up to her forehead, and moving by the strength of Dann’s thighs around hers.

-

Hours feel like they pass by the time Dann comes, leaning over P’s body and grinding against her fingers. It feels like it’s been forever but it’s also hard to end, after slowly and sweetly building up, after comfy breaks and frantic moments of impatience.

P’s back and arms are aching more than the few times she visited the gym. They lay down hugging and she desperately wants to stretch out in a bed but she’s scared if she gets up they’ll dissipate out of this little bubble of magic.

Dann wraps her legs and arms around her and clings. She’s been clinging since she came, nails almost breaking the skin on P’s back and thighs tensing on her own, a face in P’s neck and a loud moan. She still shudders gently, but nothing like the moment before, when she seemed so ready to burst. A moment so wonderful that P doesn’t think she’ll ever forget it.

P realizes she will gladly stay here and take a broken back in the morning, just as long as Dann doesn’t let go.

**Author's Note:**

>  _I want to make some space underneath my skin_  
>  _Cut me open, I can let you in_  
>  _Should I let myself be torn in two?_  
>  _And will you give into that side of you?_ [x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TYMjPw35OAg&ab_channel=CBCMusic)
> 
> [[tumblr link](http://det395.tumblr.com/post/183156544802/touch)]


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